…. it was 50 degrees today! Calla got a taste for it and decided it was high time to stop using her potty pad and brave the outdoors again. It was no time before we got into our pre-winter habit. We walked down to her favorite house (who apparently has 1/16th grass and a few dogs – evidenced by the fantastic amount of left over poo), she peed twice, and pooped on the way back. We did this a couple times today. Ahhh, yes… spring? Maybe? I feel like if I say it confidently, that “bitch” mother nature will slap me back into Midwestern reality.
Almost a week ago, I got three implants and two teeth removed. An upper and lower full denture (immediate dentures) placed. I have used ammoxicillan (sp?) and oxycodone (a whole 5 mg) and the amazing salt water rinse. For four days I was treated to wearing my dentures constantly. The lower was causing a great amount of pain. Apparently after they did the impression at the office (the office has a lab on site), the sides of the lower denture (particularly on the lower right side) was too long. It was putting pressure on the tissue underneath my cheek. It hurt to eat Jello, folks! JELLO! So I was able to schedule an appointment yesterday and have them trim it down so it felt… better. I’m still learning to eat. The lower immediate denture, obviously is not chewing friendly. From what I hear, lowers aren’t exactly easy to maneuver anyway. They pop out too much and I end up awkwardly putting them back into place. I also have to take it out when I’m taking my medicine. Okay, probably too much information. Sorry if this is gooey and weird. But hey… you come for the honesty, right? (I promise, I have limits….)
So, it’s 1:30 a.m. I am becoming exceptional at late night blogging. I think it’s because I am alone. I don’t like blogging with other people around. It causes a distraction and gets me all confused. Plus, my writing tends to be more eloquent than my normal speech patterns. I have time to consider what I want to say. As opposed to being in the proverbial “hot seat”, where I have to be on the spot and crap. I guess I’m no good at that. I second guess, use too much profanity, and trip over my words. It’s pretty fascinating to watch me in my finest hour. Tonight, I flubbed up and asked my husband if he wanted to go to the store to get pop. He recommended going to Walgreens. He was tired of going to the same gas station. So I agreed. Suddenly in my mind, I thought – are we going in, or going through the drive thru? Of course I had to laugh at this, which made my husband wonder what was going through my mind. Gah! I swear!
Ashleigh update. Yesterday we had another CST. The concept of our missing two weekends of visitation was brought up very critically. Eric and I explained our reasoning and it was pretty much dismissed and still expressed by foster mom that she needs to know or depend on visitations. Not having visitations at home is very hard on her. I’m sorry, but I still stand by my reasoning! She was absolutely inappropriate at school! She got sent home, which takes a lot. She had to have consequences other than having the fucking day off! What do I know? Obviously everything I know is wrong. Or I don’t have the right to inconvenience the foster family this way. I won’t even begin to state how absolutely unfair it is that we have to bow down to what everyone else says. And chances are, if it happened again – I would do it the exact same way. Regardless of popularity. And guess what? Spring break is coming up! Darrian is off this Friday thru next Friday. And then Ashleigh is off the week after. Darrian, as per usual will skirt her responsibilities by shutting herself in her room attached to her tablet (which Eric and I have determined was THE WORST GIFT EVER and will be taken away soon at the rate she’s going). We’ll tell her to get things done, she won’t. We’ll remind her… she won’t. And when we get agitated and raise our voice – she’ll get angry and slam the door on us. We’re unfair. This is the reason she stays at school. Nevermind the fact that her laundry is everywhere. She hasn’t cleaned the catbox in a few days. Eric took the recycling out today. She never does dishes, and we’re lucky if she does her own laundry from time to time. She absolutely and unequivocally pisses me off! Teenagers, huh? When I picked her up today from Miranda’s house (a friend of hers) at 7:30 p.m. she had eaten a snack and two french fries for the entire day! THE ENTIRE DAY! She has school lunch provided, she has breakfast options available. She talks about being dizzy and blacking out at times. I know nothing, but eating may help limit this! Again, I know absolutely nothing. I just don’t. I already had the cardiologist raise her metropolol because of her dizzy spells increasing. Now I want to get her on a stress test to see if it is an issue with her heart, if she’s spouting bs beause she’s a teenage opportunist, or if her lack of food is getting her no where. I would love to scream, I really would. I have a feeling my neighbors would complain. Seeing as how I live in an apartment building along with eight other families.
I notice, I have a lot of feelings!
Today at 1 p.m. I go back to therapy. THANK GOD! I miss Jayne yet. I wish I could show her my teeth. I think that she would be proud. I remembered yesterday about how we left things off. I am happy for her yet. She worked hard to get to retire. She deserves to go to the next level in her life. And she is a good person. I still am resentful that the counseling clinic chose to fill her office so quickly. I kind of feel this insane need to have had them build me up to that moment. Alas, it wasn’t up to me. And it was never up to me. My feelings would never be taken into consideration. Nor should they. I just wish I had more time to process it. I do miss her though. As awkward as it was sometimes to talk to her, and know that she would ask if it was okay to hold my hand or sit next to me – I wish she were here to ask again. It was comfortable. So, yes. I miss her. I like my therapist now just fine, but I miss Jayne. She was good to me. And as much as I know my current therapist will be too, I haven’t established that comfort level quite yet. I’m still working on it. I am grateful to still be in therapy and having my appointment later today. After two weeks of being at home, out of my routine, I feel like I am going to explode with everything I am going to want to say. I think maybe I should start to prioritize what I’m going to talk about. That way I can make the most out of my sessions. HAHA! Who am I kidding? I don’t do that, and probably won’t start now. As good and productive of an idea as that may be.
Oddly enough, I haven’t felt as…. conflicted lately. I haven’t felt completely and utterly stressed to the gills. Odd, I know. And somehow I have a feeling of misplaced security. I don’t know what that all is about. Maybe it’s because I’m just not dealing with things the way I should. I’m ignoring things. Maybe, just maybe I needed a break and it’s okay that I’m feeling pretty okay. Everyone deserves that, including me. On top of that, my back hasn’t completely debilitated me lately. Total shocker! I haven’t had 4 consecutive days of little to no back pain in years! That will most definitely add to my security. However, I don’t want to get too used to this. Eventually, I will go back to my norm. For now, I can relish in the idea that I too get a break. And that I’m okay. Screw the rest of it. This is my “vacation”. My psychological vacation (as I can’t afford an actual vacation). I will take whatever I can get!