Yesterday my daughter sends me a text message. “I had sex with dennis tonight and way b4 too! Like 6days ago i was tryin 4 a baby.” Her tagline on her text message reads: (As most youth these days do, she did not add the capitalization where it is necessary. Has the internet generation gotten lazy?)
So, all of last night I sat and thought about it. What this will mean. Not just that I would become a young grandmother. The implications for her and her child. She cannot take care of herself. The proof is in her eviction notification from her landlord. And her eviction is based on her not being able to clean and letting it go to the point of disgusting! The county has told her that any baby she would have at this point would be removed from her custody. And the fact that all this has happened since the last CST (Community Service Team) meeting happened, just adds to the proof that she is incapable of raising a child.
I know this was inevitable. I hate even thinking about her having sex, or for that matter trying to conceive! She’s telling me over text that her friend Kayla is going to be having a baby December 6th and she wants to go over there. I have no doubt that on the other end of my phone, she’s excited. There are no emoticons to show the excitement, but I bet that is exactly how she felt. She wants to know everything about it. She’s curious and what not. Although she has already had things printed off showing signs, symptoms, what to expect, etc…. apparently she lost them.
I’ve taken 3 anti anxiety pills today. Two Clonazapam, one Lorazepam. None of them seem to be touching the anxiety I feel right now. I love this girl and I would give my heart to protect her. I would die for her. Without a doubt. All my pain and fear is just becoming more intensified. I dread for the day (If that day comes. And I strongly hope that IT doesn’t happen until she is way older and more stable) that she becomes a mother. The fact that she the child will be the gift that will give her all the love and acceptance that she’s always desired…. It is truly a misgiving.
I accept the fact that children are a blessing. There are many nights where I have looked at my baby, toddler, child, tween.. etc… and just thought: “Wow. My life would be so much more meaningless if they were not here today.” And it’s all true. Granted, I took the hard route. And not only did that hard route include me, it includes my entire family. That part I truly regret. If there is nothing else that I regret, that is definitely one thing. I wish that I had a degree in the subject that I find fascinating! I wish I had a wonderful career that stimulated me and kept me moving. And I wish I could provide for my family as we all deserve.
Now, this part isn’t Ashleigh related and the title doesn’t reflect this part.
Eric (my husband), has had migraines for years. Related to barometric pressure/sinus and Chiari Malformation (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chiari-malformation/basics/definition/con-20031115) There, research it! He has been burdened so heavily over his migraines and his increasing medical diagnosis. The medication the doctors give him doesn’t help. And for the bipolar type I (for which he also suffers) he’s untreated. The medication doesn’t work, allergic to meds, or some of the medication put him into renal failure. Hell, he can’t even have any medication that are considered NSAIDS. (i.e. Ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, Motrin IB, Nuprin) Aspirin (Anacin, Ascriptin, Bayer, Bufferin, Ecotrin, Excedrin) Naproxen sodium (Aleve, Anaprox). Seeing him in as much pain as he is on a regular basis is absolutely awful. Unfortunately, marijuana seems to help him with his pain. And of course it’s illegal in Wisconsin. And most likely will be for many years to come. And at least when he’s smoked marijuana, he seems like the man I fell in love with.
I still oppose him using it. Only for the legal factor. And honestly, I have changed my opinion on marijuana in a HUGE way. In the past, I became really angry and would yell at him. There were times where it was warranted. Using it in the home and finding out from other people instead of him being honest with me. Of course, at certain points during this process, I still probably would have become angry with him. It’s the deception that is the biggest deal. I just hope that some day Scott Walker can get his head out of his ass and finalize the legalization of medicinal marijuana. Hell, who knows if that will ever happen.
I also feel agitated. I am so tired of feeling like I’m a bug that’s being stepped on. Darrian’s friend Randi Jo’s mom can bring Darrian from whatever place they went to meet up at but can never bring her home. She can never pick her up from our house. I always have to do the transportation from home and back. And no matter what, there are always 2 if not 3 vehicles in their driveway. Darrian also expects (as I think most teenagers do) that summer vacation is meant for them to sit around and do whatever the hell they want. It has nothing to do with what needs to be done. I mean, after all, parents are stupid. Darrian and I got into an argument because I didn’t like her tone with me. And she said something that I became very upset about. A sarcastic remark that went too far. After it was over, somewhat, Darrian tells me that I need to speak to her in a different way. I need to say “please” more often. That instead of “you need to do……”, that I ask her politely. If I thought this would help one iota, maybe I would consider it. It doesn’t. When I tell her what needs to be done, she forgets. We can remind her (and in a nice way) that it needs to be done. Well, after 10-20 minutes we’re still waiting. When we get on her case about it then we’re unreasonable and claims “it’s no wonder why I want to be out of this house!” I am not going to tip toe around my child. And life will chew you up and spit you out. They don’t address you in a way that is more appropriate to how one feels. So … this doesn’t exactly make sense. And I told her as much.
She keeps saying that … I parent her the same way I did Ashleigh. That we compare her to Ashleigh, and when I walked into the room one night… (she was recently put on birth control pills. She recently had a cyst on her ovary that was 3×3 cm. Our hope is that the birth control can help alleviate that issue, as well as period regulation) and she exlaims “I am not a slut!” I didn’t even have a chance to say anything. I don’t exactly understand why she said it. I do trust Darrian and she’s always said that she cares about not having sex. Her intentions are to stay a virgin. And although it is particularly strange that she was gone from 2 p.m. ish to 11 p.m. with some guy Morgan, I feel like I should at least give her a shot to either fall flat on her face or trust her. I love her, I do. I’m tired of her spending every moment of every waking hour (minus bathroom breaks and eating… maybe a little social time with Eric and/or I.) on the internet. Skyping, taking selfies and posting them on facebook, and using my phone to text her friends or call them.
She and I butt heads frequently. I can’t ever seem to get things right between her and I. When we do get upset with each other, we both become agitated very very quickly. We shout at each other. I feel like both of us are 15 years old and I’m fighting with her about things… whether she wants agitate me more… I hope not. I really do hope she figures things out. Because of the situation she puts herself in, I have to be a mother to her. Not just because of my obligation. It’s because I love her. I just wish she could compose herself in a manner that would show her intent to clean. Of course, that’s all order.
I will finish off now. I do have to sleep.
Thank you for hearing and reading. It is a blessing that I have people who follow along with my journey. Bless you all!