Together,No More

Lately with the holidays coming up, I am so much more depressed than usual.  Aside from the stress of having to buy presents and consider what to do for everyone – this year presents a new challenge.

Ashleigh has been homeless for a while.  She told me she was pregnant in August and just recently (around Halloween) told me she had a baby girl that was “premature” but 7 lbs 6 oz (premature?  seriously?  at 7 lbs 6 oz? Darlin, you were 7 lbs 13.4 oz and full term…. come on)

I played along.  She said she had the baby at St. Vincent’s Hospital.  Mind you, at first when she told me I was in shock.  And I was mortified.  What if?  What if she had this baby?  I started asking her questions, telling her I wanted to be a part of this baby’s life.  Because essentially, I would be grandmother.  She became very defensive.  Telling me that she didn’t want her child to be around someone like me, etc… etc.  Which threw me! You don’t want your child around…. me?  What do you mean?  When I told Eric about all of this, he felt that she was not being truthful.  We still have yet to see any proof of this alleged child.  He also felt like the things she was saying to me was to hurt me.  And to be honest, I don’t understand it. I think I do, but I don’t.  Eric at that point decided to write her off. Nothing she was saying made any sense about this whole baby thing.  And the whole conversation blew up.  So with this cropping up and past behaviors still cropping up into current day – Eric has basically written her off.  She has done so much damage to this family and to herself.  She continues to be unsafe and unwilling to take accountability. She is still emotionally abusive to Darrian.  And we have attempted to fill out paperwork for the restraining order but how is the Brown County Sheriff going to serve her at address unknown?

Darrian gets mad at me for that, by the way.  It’s not like I made the rules. You cannot give a restraining order legally to someone who is homeless. How do you know they will be in one place from day to day?  It just doesn’t work.

The fact that Eric has basically written Ashleigh off hurts me immensely. I can’t even begin to explain it.  When I talk to him about issues with her I just feel like he’s not even emotionally present for me.  Like I am an army of one.  And it really hurts inside to know that even though I know he’s listening, he’s not really engaging in a way that shows empathy or anything other than pure frustration or irritation.

When I did talk to Eric about Ashleigh the last time I told him that even though he is probably right.  Ashleigh probably was saying those things to be hurtful to me.  I had to look past that in order to continue to love her.  I just did.  It would hurt way too much for me to just dwell over that concept.  There is a lot Ashleigh does. Eric did level with me and tell me that he doesn’t feel safe around her.  Ashleigh’s behaviors and lack of accountability remind him of Rich (Ashleigh’s biological father).  So when he sees/hears about her, it’s as if she is him.  He doesn’t want to do anything to accidentally hurt her with that in mind.

As much as he and I both realize that she is not him, and he is not her – I have difficulty with his rational.  The sins of the father are not the sins of the daughter.  The similarities might be there – but I guess that’s where it begins and ends in some ways to me.  It does complicate matters for the fact that Eric has paranoid schizophrenia and has been subject to hallucinations/delusions.  And bipolar type 1, which in the right mindset can be prone to extreme anger for really no reason.  That makes it hard.

So, we’re approaching the holidays.  Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Both holidays of family togetherness and/or gatherings.  With Darrian wanting a restraining order against Ashleigh because of her continuing verbal abuse against her despite not living with us, and Eric’s feelings…. we are a separated family.  By force.  And no matter how you try to explain it to Ashleigh, she doesn’t understand it.  Her rational is always different than the average Joe.  She understands things in a very different way and can demonize us very quickly because of her mental illness and alternative viewpoints to how things work.

In addition, I deal with my own frustrations with Ashleigh.  I seem to be convenient to Ashleigh.  I can drive her places or potentially provide her with things – as opposed to a relationship with her.  And as much as she says she wants that relationship, right now she wants items.  Money, material things, rides, wifi, food… etc.  And when I cannot provide those things to her and force her to figure things out on her own, she starts to say she’s losing control.  And that is hard for me to deal with.  She is manipulating me, I know she is.  When she calls, she doesn’t immediately say she wants my help.  She goes around it.  Well, the bus isn’t running anymore and this girl told me that I could live with her for a few months in Green Bay, but I’m in DePere (which is at least 6-10 miles away depending where she’s at and where her friend is at).  Well, I just happened to be in Kewaunee at the time, which was over 30 minutes away from her having my own life.  (Visiting friends)  Or I couldn’t bring her female hygiene products because I was going to get food for the home from the local St Vincent de Paul pantry (and that took me two hours to sit there and wait because of the Thanksgiving holiday offerings available during the time I went for food… oops!)  Her expectations of me are very different.

Oh, as for the baby issue.  She has said that the baby was put into foster care.  I did look up births in the Green Bay hospitals around the time in question.  The baby she allegedly had is not listed in the newspaper birth announcements.  So, all in all from what I can come to grips with, this baby is falsified by Ashleigh.  And it is quite possible she was using this as an opportunity to hurt me.  Quite honestly though, it would have hurt me more if this baby did truly exist.  Factors however did not add up.  She will not admit to any of this, but…. it is what it is.

As for Darrian, she had to drop Chemistry because she missed too much core information due to missing medical/dental appointments that were not able to be avoided.  She will revisit Chemistry next year and I’m sure she’ll do well.  She now has a study hall, which is exactly what she needed to help her catch up with some of her missing appointments.  Her braces are coming along.  The other night though, she said something to me while her friend Samantha was over.  Well, two somethings.  I slept late into Saturday.  Eric and I were about to go to pick up hamburgers from the grocery store.  Before I left I was about to tell her where we were going and what to expect.  She flipped out on me.  Even though it was only an hour and a half after I woke up, she accused me of getting angry at her and being unfair to her or yelling at her.  Which I hadn’t.  I was completely thrown for a loop.  I can only assume this is attention seeking behavior. Then on Sunday while her friend was still over (since we had her friend over for a sleepover), I asked Darrian if she helped Eric out like I had asked while I was gone to Kewaunee.  At first she tried to tip toe around answering directly.  She said she didn’t hear Eric call for her.  I asked her if she was in her room or what?  I didn’t raise my voice or anything.  I wasn’t being pointed in my question per se.  I was just looking for facts. Immediately she starts overreacting.  Saying that she doesn’t do anything right, etc… etc.  And where she really threw me was saying that I don’t want her because she doesn’t do anything right and I should just put her into foster care so maybe the foster family might be able to get her to do more.  I was so ANGRY at her response.  She was manipulating me herself and using something emotionally difficult for me.  Yes, we have difficulties with her, but it doesn’t necessitate her going into foster care. She’s a 16 year old girl who is very intelligent.  She knows the difference between right and wrong – but she’s trying to push her lack of responsibility on me.  Not only was that unfair for that purpose alone, but it was unfair because the process of putting Ashleigh into foster care was incredibly difficult.  I became very close to putting myself into inpatient psychiatric care the day she went in.  I became very psychologically unbalanced for the first week she was in there because of how hard it hit me.  And the fact that she did shove that prospect in my face really pissed me off.

A few hours later I went into her room to tell her what was going on because I was going to do laundry (my clothes I needed to clean to volunteer at the local Humane Society).  She asked me for a hug right away.  And instead, I gave her a mouthful.  I was incensed!  How can you ask me for a hug after you said something so hurtful?  How do I just shove that under the rug?  I can’t just do that.  So I gave her a little of my two cents worth to make her think about what she said and hopefully … (yet doubtful) will make her think before she becomes reactive and says things that she might regret.  And those things would remove hurt from even starting.

The prospect of the holidays does not excite me whatsoever though.  I don’t feel as though I am deserving of anything.  As much as I am trying to keep things afloat, I just feel like we have had to ask for too much.  Car repairs and new tires that my in laws have bought for us (over $700 worth of investment that we couldn’t afford).  I am so grateful that they love us so much and are willing to take the financial hit on these things.  Now, with all the complications with both of the kids – the way my brain is processing it – how Eric is reacting to both of the kids… and how my brain is processing that… I just want today to jump to January 1st.  Hell, just skip to February 11th.  I just know there will be complicated emotions happening for everyone and it’ll just be overwhelming.  I know this is a part of my journey and you can’t escape uncomfortable or overwhelming… but dammit, I could use a break!

Thank goodness tomorrow is Tuesday.

Oh!  Speaking of Tuesday… I am trying to find a therapist that will do more specific trauma therapy.  Like EMDR or Brainspotting… something like that.  The problem is, I don’t know if that will cause complications with my insurance company (duplication of services, lose my current therapist, etc….)  I really am tired of the PTSD and how it impacts my life.

Last night I wanted to blog more.  I was more focused on my emotions about how complicated the feelings are between Eric and I, Darrian and I, Ashleigh and I, Ashleigh and Darrian, Ashleigh and Eric… etc etc etc…. I assume (hopefully soon) I will delve into it on my blog.  It is important.  I need to get this stuff out there… out of my mind.  And I find myself having difficulty communicating it to anyone who is unbiased or biased all the same.  The opportunities just aren’t there.  GAH!  Thank goodness for Therapy Tuesday!!!

I do volunteer two days this week, so I am looking forward to that.  It is hard on my body.  I really took for granted how good I have it walking or taking my two chihuahua dogs out.  When you’re walking a Lab, Rottweiler mix, Pit Bull, etc that has been cooped up in a large enclosure for hours… you get dragged!  No fault to the Humane Society or the employees.  It just is what it is.  I do find myself feeling a sense of achievement and enjoyment doing what I do.  I don’t need to get paid.  I am just glad i can make a difference to these dogs, even if just for 5 minutes.  It really makes me smile and sometimes cry a little bit.

Take care all and have a wonderful week!



GoFundMe – Medical Assistance Needed

As many may know that are friends with me, my niece, Stephanie Novak recently had a cardiac arrest.  She’s a young gal and a very amazing and inspirational woman.  Because she doesn’t qualify for medical insurance at this point her medical bills will become rather out of control.  I know this because I had a cardiac arrest in December of 2011 with still no cause known to the doctors.

Because we both now have an ICD (Internal Cardiac Defibrillator) placed, she will need to see a specialist regularly to continue with care even after the hospitalizations and what not.  As it is, I see an electrophysiologist every 3-4 months to get checked out.  It’s pretty intense.  And as you could imagine, expensive.

For me I guess, I am fortunate.  As much as that seems odd to say.  I have a minor child yet in the home which qualifies me for medical assistance through the state.  And a psychiatric disability that allows me to get medical assistance through the government.  However Stephanie is a hard working young woman with a long life yet to live.  And will need continual follow up with specialists over the next however many years.

I am so grateful that she is still alive at this point.  I cannot begin to express.  The ICD will help ensure that this episode will not happen again.

I hope my readers will see the need for assistance and help this amazing young woman out.  Even if you can’t afford to provide financial help, forward it along to your friends and family.  Whatever shout out you can give will help ensure that Stephanie will be able to access the care she deserves to take care of herself through the coming years.

Thank you for reading, thank you for considering, thank you for sharing, and thank you for being here.


What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

In my minds eye, I see a bold person.  A brave person, at the root of it.  Someone who embodies the Finnish term “Sisu” in a very real way.  And those words emerging from my finger tips is a lot harder than you could imagine.  However, in the process I keep trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me?

Yes, I know I am mentally ill.  I know mental illness doesn’t define me.  But I’m so tired of it.  Eric talked to a clinical psychologist during his mental illness assessment – the doctor says I should appeal my decision to be removed from the clinic for a year.  Granted, I know I was wrong.  And I vow to not fuck up like I did before.  But still, how long does an appeal take anyway?

Part 1 – My meds are probably not right

Part 2 – I don’t have any anti anxiety pills right now.  Probably won’t until either tomorrow or Saturday despite the fact that they’re filled.

I never imagined my life getting to this point.  Over $400 overdraft in the bank because of either bills or having to overdraft ourselves further because of whatever reasons.  Seeing Eric in his mental illness and physical pain rut is worse than so many things.  Let alone taking into account the fact that I had to take myself into the crisis center for intervention because my brain kept freaking out.  (Last week Saturday morning)

We’ll be able to afford rent this month.  After all the overdrafts are covered, that’s pretty much it.  And our foodshare went up a whole $4 this month.  So we’ll be able to sort of eat.  And I’ve come to the conclusion that all I want for Christmas are Walmart Clear American Blackberry and Raspberry waters.  Those are my favorite.  And probably can’t afford them anyway cuz eating is more important than buying those fucking waters.

Gawd I wish I had my anti anxiety pills right now, I really do.

All these thoughts and pains going through my head.  The numbness in my arms is starting again.  Well, less numbness and more tingling.  Resembles what I went through last night.  Eric thought it was the beginning of a panic attack.  Albeit a mild one.

I remember before Jayne (my old therapist) retired, I had a panic attack in her room.  It was the weirdest thing.  My head and my feet both went numb.  I had this severe sense of panic just on those sensations alone.  There was nothing that led up to it, that I recall anyway.  And since I don’t remember what happened prior to my cardiac arrest or what led to that, I was afraid I was going to die.  That those were part and parcel the symptomology of my cardiac arrest.  So I’m pleading with her in her office to call the ambulance just in case it was.  It was terrible.

Darrian needs new shoes too for school.  She has a hole in the tip of her one shoe.  Let’s get real, they’re ugly shoes anyhow. I think she only got them because she knows we’re broke.  She was pitying me.  That’s all I can imagine anyway.

How did I become such an epic fuck up?  How did I disappoint myself, let alone my kid, my husband… and maybe everyone else I know?  How did I wind up at the bottom of the barrel (a huge barrel, and me this miniscule speck of a being), trying to fight for my life.  Nothing makes sense.  Not a damn thing.

Where did I go so wrong?  I just want to put my elbows on the desk, head in hands and cry.   I know actions speak louder than words – but that just sounds pitiful.  And I have no motivation or energy beyond that.

There are just no words beyond that in how I am feeling.  I’m sure you can interpret at your own risk.  However suicide is not an option.  I’m just saying that so interpretation doesn’t run wild with any readers.

Family: Another ALMOST Tragedy

It begun as most things do.  The weekend was here again, which most people desire.  Honestly, I have no real feelings about them one way or another.  This one shook me to my core.

I decided to go to my friend Renee’s house for coffee.  Andra and I both planned on going out there, but things came up and it became only Renee and I.  And of course her five precious dogs.  Bruce, who still thinks he’s a puppy…. He tries to play catch with the tennis ball or anything else he can stick in his mouth.  He runs pretty well, considering he has arthritis.  He’s a big dog considering!  And an older dog at that.  The chihuahua, Lenny HAS to be top dog.  And the dauchsand (sp?) they have likes to omit weird sounds even when he’s happy.  Almost like a growl, but not really.  Anyway, I stayed at Renee’s until her youngest daughter got back from school.  Then I high tailed it home.  No offense to her kiddo, it probably would be nice for me to see my own!

So, I get home and try to relax.  I hear a knock at the door.  It’s Eric’s friend Aaron H.  He’s not exactly someone I want around all the time.  He really agitates me after a while.  I can tolerate him, but he just REALLY bugs me sometimes.  Eric and Aaron went to have a cigarette when I went to go check my email.

I open the email from my dad first.  The subject line referenced my niece Stephanie.  Stephanie is the daughter of my deceased sister Dianne.  So, I open it up.

They say that life is short.  It truly is.  And they say that life is a gift.  And that is also true.  We don’t know WHEN our mortality will come to an end.  We just live life until that day comes.  With naive hopes sometimes that we’ll just be living our days out until we’re well into our 70’s and 80’s… or even beyond!  Medical science has made leaps and bounds with regards to progress and making life expectancy better, as well as longer.

There are a few words in the English language that terrify me to the core.  Some of those words are ‘cardiac arrest’ and ‘coma’.  And unfortunately the email referenced that Stephanie had had the cardiac arrest and that she was in a medical induced comatose status.  She was on life support.  At first I was angry.  My reaction was this:  I screamed “NO!” and pounded my desk with a closed fist (hard).  Eric heard me and of course ran to try to figure out what was going on. I was truly at a loss for words.  I just could not form them.  Sadness began to take form.  And then memories.  And then similarities.

It was hard that day anyway.  Eric hadn’t been in the best of moods.  I was surprised he even wanted to speak to Aaron H. when he stopped by!  Eric really didn’t try to comfort me all that much.  Or even try to talk me through it much.  I understand why.  He just didn’t have that capacity because of his mental illness and other physical pains he deals with on a daily basis.  I cried, hard.  Those three words opened the flood gates to a whole new set of “what if” questions.  What if she stays in the coma?  Does she have a living will?  Is her cardiac arrest like mine in that there is no true reason why?  Why did it have to happen to her?

I do have to say though, my friend Karena heard it through her parents and she was amazing. She called to see how I was doing.  I was so grateful for her call.  I really hadn’t had a chance to talk to anyone about it.  The course of the night I was so scattered.  I think I was in a grieving period when Karena called me.  Maybe more shock and sadness than grief.  She listened to me through my tears and told me to let her know how things went.  That she would be there for me at any point if I needed her.  (I really need to let her know how much that meant… note to self)

After I got off the phone with Karena, I kept myself relatively busy.  Doing dishes and other household chores.  Just like anything though, life moved on.  Eric fell asleep and suddenly my “madness” (if you will), kicked in like nothing I’ve experienced quite before.

All I could do is think of what happened with my sister, Stephanie’s mom.  Granted, Stephanie’s mom died of “Unknown causes”.  That’s literally what is put on the death certificate.  I know, I snooped around and found it when I was a teenager.  It bothers me to this day that there is no clarification.  No further study.  Just meh?  I got nothin’.  Essentially.  And then my mom.  My mom’s situation was different.  She started to vomit, choked on her vomit (aspirated), and then from THERE when into a cardiac arrest.  Stephanie and I both just BAM!  No warning, no nothing.  It just HAPPENED.  Stephanie is a respectable young woman in her early 30’s.  Her life is … well, not quite JUST starting… but you know.  So here I am looking at the idea of …. Well, I’m in Wisconsin.  Stephanie is in Utah.  I can’t afford to go and visit her and I can’t exactly call her.  So I did the best I could and called and got ahold of her step mom Liza.  Liza told me what she could and what she knew. And I appreciated that.  There was obviously little information they could derive shortly after the event happened.  I knew she was in a medical induced coma… but look at my mother.  She was in a comatose status from October 1991-April 1992 and then was in a vegetative state because she had suffered brain damage on both sides of her brain.  (My mother was not found for minutes after she collapsed.  Lack of oxygen to the brain and brain damage was the end result there) Could that be the result for Stephanie?  And not only did the “what if” concept roll through my head, but the visual of what it would look like.  I spent more time than I’d like to admit in nursing homes and hospitals with my mom.  (Granted, I would do it again if I had to… but still…)

I did call the hospital to talk to Stephanie’s nurse to let her know about my cardiac arrest in 2011.  That not only was there the unexplained death of Stephanie’s biological mother, that I had a cardiac arrest like Stephanie.  I also made sure to send Shauna a novella about what I’ve gone through.  More detailing facts than well, this sucks type commentary.

My own dissatisfaction with the lack of evidence of what was wrong with me and why the cardiac event happened to begin with is frustrating.  And now not only did this young woman’s mother die in 1988 unexpectedly but – there has to be some genetic fuck up somewhere that the clinicians are not finding.  I’m tending to think it’s something on the maternal side of the family. Although I haven’t heard of anyone like my aunt, her 4 daughters, their daughters daughters…. etc having any issues.  Just my mom (who was different as I mentioned before), but now Stephanie, myself, and quite possibly my sister.  I mean, they could have missed something, despite the autopsy being done.

I kept rolling these scenarios in my brain over and over again.  Like a terrible broken record. It was late at night and I was contemplating going to the crisis center.  I kept wanting to scream out loud.  I kept thinking ‘They’re coming for me!  Why did they go to her!?  They want me!  This is bullshit!  The rage and sadness kept going through. I was a ticking time bomb.  Had I went to the crisis center, I probably would have been put inpatient for at least 48 hours.  So I decided instead to play World of Warcraft.  My friend Emma did send me messages periodically when I was on and THAT was entertaining.  I don’t know Emma very well yet.  And she doesn’t quite know my “crazy”, if you will.  So I was full blown in that rage/sadness mode and I was giving it all to her via words on a cell phone screen.  World of Warcraft probably was a huge part of what kept me sane that night.  What helped me process through or at least put it on the back burner to a point where I could deal with it better.  That I wasn’t so emotional and in the moment.  It was truly what I needed.  I did make sure to thank Emma.  It’s hard to expose those wounds to people you don’t really have the full relationship dynamic set up yet.  We’re very new-ish friends.  But I respect her a great deal, so, that’s where that is.  And why I let it all out with her. The fact that I could let my “crazy” out and she was okay with it and just listened/read my words and responded appropriately helped me too.

Eventually I was able to sleep.  I woke up later on that day (since I went to sleep early hours of Saturday).  They brought Stephanie out of the coma and she seems to be responding well.  She even flipped her partner, Shauna off.  That made me laugh.  Shauna posted on a group Facebook page set up specifically to update people on Stephanie’s status to everyone who is friends and or family to her.  Shauna said she flipped her off and that she had to be on the right track.  For all the range of emotions I exhibited the night/earlly morning next day, I started to feel at ease.  She was not going to be like my mom.  And to add on to the good news, the neurologist has given her a thorough run through and found no brain damage as a result of her incident.

On Wednesday I see my electrophysiologist for an Echocardiogram (sp?). Shauna had messaged me and asked me for certain details about my ICD.  Stephanie is also going to have one placed from the sounds of it.  Although from what I heard from the Facebook group they were just going to treat the event with medication.  Stephanie’s cause for the cardiac event was cardiomyopathy or an abnormality with the heart muscle. When Shauna messaged me she was asking to try to communicate with my Electrophysiologist so Stephanie’s doctors could compare notes as to what has been done for me so far.  And with everything that has happened in my family’s history I am going to push harder for results and make sure that there is a clear and legal understanding that I will share any and all information regarding that incident with Stephanie, Shauna, and Stephanie’s Cardiologist/Electrophysiologist team.  I want there to be communication so we can come to some conclusion as to what’s happening.  It is important to me to find out the causality.  I think I need to help keep me sane.

For now, I feel more at peace on the issue now that Stephanie is going to be okay.  No doubt she has a long road ahead of her, but at least she’s going to be okay.  I love her and would hate for anything to happen or take her from us.  She is the final link to Dianne that I have in this life.  And I want to keep her.

As for therapy today, my therapist is definitely going to earn her keep today!  I’m going to be all over the place talking about my feelings about the matter.  Who knows?  If I get out of hand I may still go inpatient.  But I think I should be okay….

I’m so glad this didn’t end in tragedy.  That it was an ALMOST tragedy.  Life is just so fragile sometimes.  You just don’t know.  No one does.

Thank you for reading and take care!

Trauma, Empath/Empathy, and Otherwise Bad News (Shocker!)

I know I apologize a lot, so I will just say this.  If you read my posts, you may have read in the past that when I blog it takes a lot out of me.  The expressions, words, or just overall feelings overcome me at times.  I feel as though I should write more often.  It is therapeutic!  Unfortunately some days I see brighter options and choose that one.  But I do need to get this stuff out.

Since my sister died when I was 11 years old, I have been interested in the paranormal.  She’s never come to me or anything.  I just had hoped at that age that somehow she would call me on the phone on my birthday.  She wouldn’t have to say anything at all, just call and when I’d answer, I’d know it was her.  I resolve the fact that one sided agreement has never taken place as that she’s in a better place.  That she has moved on, and I’m happy for that.  Despite the fact that I wasn’t happy about it when I was 12, 13, 14, and so on, and so on.  I’ve watched series like Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness, A Haunting, Ghost Mine, Paranormal State, and Ghost Adventures (there are more… many more).  The last few months I’ve become more emotionally engaged in the series Ghost Adventures.  Watching some of the things that go on during the show upsets me.  Cry like a baby!  On one occasion, I was watching Ghost Adventures and I just felt this overwhelming concern for Zak Bagans, the lead investigator for Ghost Adventures.  I wanted to go on my pathetic Twitter account that I’m NEVER on and figure out how to # him (good gravy, it’s a pound sign or number sign.  not a hash tag!)  As the show has progressed I have seen him become more emotionally involved with the spirits.  I don’t know if it’s part of the fact that early on his need to be so confrontational with negative entities, I don’t know….  But during that episode, I wanted to get on Twitter and tell him how concerned I was for him.  And the only way I can explain my emotions at the time is that it was an URGENT need for me to touch base with him on Twitter about my concerns.  I literally felt this draw to my computer to send this message.  I never did because I had to hold back.  I have to realize that I cannot be so emotionally involved in television shows.  I have to figure out how to deal with that.

In the past I’ve had to give up on True Crime novels.  I’ve gotten so emotionally involved in cases in the book that it would bother me or hit in a way it didn’t before.  I think between the True Crime genre and paranormal, it’s all curiosity.  That’s where it all spawns from.  For me though, the paranormal has been something I’ve just been so interested in for so long that I don’t know many other interests that I could involve myself with – tv shows or research.  What not.  Like those would be HUGE shoes to fill.  Granted, I am interested in other things.  I would like to know more about essential oils and their possible healing properties, handwriting analysis, and I’ve contemplated trying to figure out tarot cards.  I don’t know… that last one is pretty out there.  I doubt I’ll be doing anything like that.

I will admit, my meds haven’t been upped or adjusted in months.  So, right now I am working on a dose of anti depressants that I’ve been on for probably going on a year.  Reason being, the clinic I was going to see a psychiatrist at discontinued me.  I was late or missed my appointment twice.  And now because of that, I cannot go back.  The alternatives are just disgusting. Brown County Psychiatric is just fucking pathetic!  I went to see a psychiatrist there once and she made me feel worse than I did unmedicated.  I’m a polite person, but I even wanted to tell her where to go.  A friend of mine went to see her and when I found out about that, I didn’t want to taint her perspective of this psychiatrist by telling her my experiences. She went and found herself feeling the same way.  My husband has seen multiple psychiatrists there and has also felt pretty similar.  They just don’t seem to care about anyone who comes in.  I think the psychiatrists work so hard with so much of a heavy patient load that they get numb or don’t have the opportunity to get real with their patients.  Like for example.  The psychiatrist I was seeing asked me about why I was diagnosed with PTSD?  I listed one of the reasons as the house fire back when I was young.  She was very dismissive about my experience.  She told me the house she was living in not long ago (at that point) had burned down and she got over it.  (Seriously?) At that time, it took all that was in me wanted to tell her that she probably deserved it for how dismissive she was about the fact that I was a fucking adolescent – where as she is a crotchety lady who probably has 7 years until retirement!   Anyway, sorry… that part of the rant over.  The other psychiatrists in the area that will take state medicaid are on 1-2 years waiting lists.  So either I wait to go back to the same clinic in about 6 months or wait the 1-2 years for one of the other clinics.  Seriously, it is that messed up of a situation. Mental illness is a pricey business.  And I get where Doctors want to be paid what they are worth – but what about the oath they took?  To do no harm.  The fact that they are refusing insurance and causing as a problem like this, they are maybe unknowingly doing harm.  Leaving people who deserve to be treated with respect but misunderstood with dignity.

I digress… the point I was trying to make.  My general practitioner will still give me the meds but she won’t adjust them.  She wants me to find a psychiatrist.  And obviously with the above issues, that’s easier said than done.  So I will take the same dose and just deal with it until I can find an appropriate solution.

What I’ve kind of wondered about is if my sensitivity towards the paranormal is because of the fact that my meds aren’t right.  My husband, Eric, told me that he believes me to be an empath.

  1. (chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

    I haven’t exactly done a lot of research on this type of thing.  I know I should probably do some research on this particular situation.  I know I gravitate very easily towards other people’s emotions.  Even on a tv show.  I see the sadness on their face or see them crying/hear them crying.  Hell, even when Yahoo Messanger was a bigger thing, they had these emoticons that you could use when communicating with people that have audio files attached. They have cartoony type looks to them.  Phrases, etc.  There was one that looked and sounded like it was vomiting!  I swear, every time I would click on it I almost had dry heaves!  I don’t know if I necessarily believe that being sensitive to a person’s emotions is a “paranormal” thing, but hey…. whatever works!  I am still going to check into my meds when I can.

    Two more issues.  My husband and I are wanting to move.  Not out of Wisconsin, sorry Stacey!  XD We want to move to Kewaunee, but opportunity hasn’t presented itself yet.  I check apartment availabilities often.  Eric and I have discussed getting a house cleansing.  And despite the fact that I am not a Catholic, I am going to look into getting a St. Michael’s medallion.  Reason being, there seems to be something in our apartment.  Aside from the residual energy that has been in this apartment for the 16 years we’ve lived here, I think what was in our old apartment followed us to this apartment when we moved buildings.  It seems to be confined to the closet in the back where Eric stores his art, tools, and other things we can’t keep in the other main living areas in the apartment.  There are random noises we’ve heard all hours of the day that we can’t quite explain there.  So, whatever is there, I don’t want it to be there when the new tenants come in.  I believe when you move, it’s a new start for people.  I want them to experience good, not the negative that we’ve experienced.  Eric’s friend brought some Mhyrr incense and will be getting tar water.  Going back to the St Michael’s medallion:  Sometimes religious symbols have an impact on spirits that are around.  Especially if they are negative in nature.  So when we do find a new place, I will entertain going to get one and go through the blessing of our hopefully soon to be apartment.  Leaving a note to the new tenants and the medallion behind for protection.
    Trauma therapy is kinda going.  I say that because it’s not something that we work on consistently.  It depends on the level of need that I have for discussing personal things outside of my past traumas.   I have been trying to work on my grounding techniques.  For example.  I remind myself in moments of PTSD flashbacks that it’s not happening now, this is not my experience.  I divert my attention to something more pleasing.  I had a firetruck go by racing with sirens blaring while I was out walking the dogs.  Normally this would set me into a panic or anxiety attack.  Fortunately not as much as they used to… I think I have it to some degree under control.  Not completely.  But I’m getting a little better. My gut instinct told me not to turn around and look at the fire truck as it raced by.  Kept telling myself over and over again… just look at the dogs.  Just look at the dogs!  And I did.  They kept me grounded and I’m so happy to have such amazing therapy dogs (if you will).  I love my chihuahuas!
    Here’s for the bad news:


I’ve had to block 16 Ashleigh Facebook accounts.  She got back to Green Bay and was in a lower end almost psychiatric crisis intervention facility for a while.  She became very vocal about moving in with the guy who we attempted to press charges on for statutory rape.  I had to leave that visit.  When Eric stayed to talk to her for a few minutes, Ashleigh told us that she felt that we weren’t treating her with respect and that we didn’t love her.  Basically said she was going to disown us.  The next day she called me though on the phone.  I didn’t answer because I felt disrespected myself.  I have tried nothing but to love her and she does this.

About a week and a half ago, Ashleigh sent my youngest daughter some very harassing messages on facebook.  Telling her terrible things.  It led me to call the police to have them come.  They recommended that we get a restraining order on Ashleigh to protect Darrian.  We went yesterday to grab the paperwork but can’t turn it in yet because we don’t have an address for Ashleigh.  And in order for the sheriff to make it official, they have to get it to Ashleigh.  So somehow I have to find out where she lives without opening a can of worms that I can’t shut again.  UGH!

There have been other things going on that have mentally drained me as well, but it’s not something I choose to discuss here.  I did break down on Tuesday and it lasted until probably most of Wednesday as well.  I just felt absolutely mentally drained.

I know this was a biggie, thank you for reading!  I really appreciate you taking the time and hearing me.

Mental Illness Apps (Free or Low Cost)

Having mental illness is difficult.  The luxury of seeing a therapist is not one we can all afford.  That I know.  If it weren’t for medicaid, I would be out of luck myself.  What seems to be a trend though is, technology.

I was browsing facebook and happened upon a link that I want to share with you, my readers, in hopes you might find use out of it.  Even if you do have a therapist, there might be times where you need something to help guide you through.  Whether it be crisis reaches, breathing techniques, or daily logs.  Everyone is unique in their own way, in their own needs.

I found out something neat, just to add for a moment.  I was listening to something called “Darkness Radio”.  It’s a Paranormal based talk radio show.  The host has received at least one email that I know of where a person was looking to harm themselves.  Later in the broadcasts, they mentioned ‘Siri’, who most of us know as the infamous voice of the Apple Iphone.  If you happen to have an Iphone with Siri and you are having suicidal ideation, tell Siri.  Siri will direct you in how to contact someone to help you.  A suicide prevention number near your area.  And hopefully that is one more utensil at your disposal.  Had it not been for hearing this on Darkness Radio, I wouldn’t be able to offer that nugget out to ya.  So hats off to the creators of that feature, Tim Dennis, and Dave Schrader.

At long last, the link.

The article is entitled:

81 Awesome Mental Health Resources When You Can’t Afford a Therapist


Please, stay safe and enjoy your Fourth of July!  And remember to be extra cautious with your fur babies during the fireworks.  They are scary and they will all need extra love and support from their family.

Thanks for reading!

Searching for the Meaning (Is It Worth the Pain?)

I have obsessed for years over those I have loved and lost.  I have gotten angry over the fact that I have been passed off.  Moved along from. Some not as painful as others, but still.  Was I not good enough?  Am I not good enough?  In all the pain in my life up to this point, could I have been someone that was not capable of being good for them?  Or was our commonality fractured and that was enough to move along?

There are times where I review certain events that happened in my life.  Significant ones.  And holy shit, does it hurt.  Even thinking about one right now sends me sobbing.  The moment where my mom is on life support at Marquette General Hospital.  I’m in the room by myself with my mom and just as I was about to talk to her alone, for the first time, my uncle Lenny walks in the room.  I have always been socially awkward and my mom always had visitors.  So, I felt irritable that my uncle picked that moment to come in and stay in.  Not that he knew he was irritating me, it just was bad timing.  I had so much to say to her.  So much pain in my heart.  I wanted to beg her to get better, to come back to me.  Tell her how much I needed her.  Give her a hug, a kiss.  And at this moment, I can remember how her skin felt on my lips.  It’s crazy about what one thought can give.  Phew!  Okay, moving on…. Get to the point, Janet!

I have looked at my life to this point and evaluated why it seems like I lack friends.  If I am really honest with myself, I have friends. I have a number of friends.  And if I am REALLY honest with myself, and you, I am terrified of my friends.  And I feel unworthy, as I mentioned in past posts.  So, I’ll log onto facebook and I won’t talk to anyone anymore.  I go on World of Warcraft and talk to people, but I avoid talking about anything in my life – because the second the game goes from virtual reality where you can pick the hero you desire to being to actual reality infused with virtual reality  …. it goes to hell.  The virtual world starts to take on painful characteristics.  I still miss someone that I used to talk to whose name on WoW was Themerc.  Despite how WoW did get reality struck in it, he was a good listener at that time.  And he helped me.  (Or at least I assume I was speaking with a male… It’s hard to know via type)

My earliest friend was this girl Denise.  We have been friends for ages.  We had a split for a number of years and we still communicate, but not as much as we used to.  Missy came along to fill in the gap where Denise was not available, and a number of other people from the church and what not.  Life circumstances happened, my depression diagnoses happened, things changed.  I opened doors, shut them, doors got shut on me.  Do I have a right to be angry because the door was shut on me?  I wanted to keep these friends.  If I were to talk to them today, I’d feel awkward because I would feel like either they left me because I wasn’t good enough or that I still wasn’t good enough.  Why do I always have this sense that I have to be an elevated “someone” for a friend.  That I have to have an accelerated education to matter?  Or that friendship is correlated only by commonalities.  i.e. You’ll only ever be friends with people who graduated high school.  If you didn’t, you’re out!

I suppose my feelings for needing to be good enough is because a lot of what I gave a shit about, I lost.  I had a ton of family on my mom’s side that we spent a lot of time together with.  When my mom went into the hospital, the closeness left.  I don’t blame my dad, I can only imagine the pain he was going through during all of it – but still.  I lost my cousins.  I lost the time that I could have spent continuing that bonding time.  I went to church and met people.  I always felt inadequate, but I had friends.  When I left church, a majority of those people near and far that went to church with me at the time disappeared.  The tremendous losses of those people left such a hole in my heart.

So, to current, I could probably relate to you all the people that I lost – but let’s be honest here.  Who hasn’t lost someone?Whether it be a death, or just growing apart.  It doesn’t make me special by any stretch of the imagination.  The only thing that makes me different is the means by which things happened to some degree.  But what we all can agree with is that it’s painful no matter how much you can relate to my losses.

So here I am, 38 years old, still feeling as though these people I lost left me.  I’m learning to embrace a relationship with my brother Tim, which is odd.  I can relate to him better than I can any other family members.  I think if I remember correctly asking my brother Tim how he was doing.  I think it was the first time that I had really done that.  I am always blathering on about my life and what’s messed up in it.  I felt that it was important for me to try to be different this time.  It makes things more personable.   It’s not that I don’t care about what goes on with other people and their lives.  I do generally ask how people are doing, don’t get me wrong.  It’s just with my brother, when we talk, he listens so well to me and I know what to expect.  So when I take the initiative to ask how he is and not focus on me… it’s different.

My friend Stacey, who I love more than chocolate, or many other things that I cannot imagine my life without.  She has been experiencing so much joy in her life as of late.  And I am so proud of her and so beyond thrilled for her.  Going through my trauma therapy, dealing with mental illness on a few fronts here at home, trying to find balance, dealing with financial crisis, yada yada, I don’t have the ability to tell Stacey – Hey!  I am so happy for you!  Here I am though, feeling so absolutely angry to some degree that that can’t be me.  And it’s not to say that Stacey doesn’t deserve it.  She absolutely does.  She has worked very hard in her life.  I mean, she’s got a few degrees, working on her masters, two kids – one who has been 5 years leukemia free, learning to embrace a healthy lifestyle, etc… etc… I mean, she’s rockin!  That doesn’t mean that her life has always been perfect.  Yet my brain, during all of this has been so self centered.  And I want to say to her how much her progress means to me without saying, “Stacey, I’m so sick of seeing your happiness.  Because when it comes right down to it, I want to share in that joy.  Not necessarily with you.  But to have my own happiness.”  But that’s not right either.   It’s just how it felt.

It’s hard not to compare/contrast.  Feeling inept in life makes things difficult. Major depression makes things difficult.  And so when all adds up, I look at my experiences and I think – wow.  Was I the reason that people didn’t stay in contact?  Could I have tried harder?  I don’t think that I should have to initiate, continue to initiate, and wait for a restraining order to come in the mail because I won’t stop.  Friendship has a certain give and take.  So with that, those people that I lost and haven’t come back… they’re gone.  I’ll never have a good reason for it.  It just is.

With my current state of mind, if someone comes back that hasn’t been there, I feel stunted.  Emotionally stunted in such a way that I feel like I’m in 5th grade talking to a teacher.  I have to be careful of my words, I have to be reserved, yet respectful, and I have to listen.  I’m not an equal participant, and I am not evaluated as equal.  I am just here.  I want to feel equal, but I never do.

I have also learned that my anger could have taken away a friend or two.  I can’t change the past, but I had a family member who reached out to me.  She offered me her phone number on facebook and told me to call her.  Because of a lingering past hurt, I didn’t call.  I wish I had.  She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and died 4 days later.  I’m sorry Julie, I wish I had called.  If I hadn’t been so angry over something you didn’t do and had no control over the outcome, I would have called.  And maybe I wouldn’t feel so guilty.

In the meantime, I love my friends that I do have.  I know that I need to appreciate those who are still here.  And I should not focus on why those that left did leave.  It just adds to the pain, doesn’t it?  Here I am though, trying to find a way to not feel so insecure and hurt.  To not embrace so much of the “I’m not good enough” element.  I hope some day I can.  Because even with my husband and I coming up on another anniversary (13 years this year), I still feel like a) I’m not good enough, or b) that his life would have been better without me being a part of it.  It’s so damn hard to live this way!

Any recommendations?

Again, thank you for reading!  And thank you in advance for any comments.