November 14, 2013. Significant? Why?

I have to send out a special thank you to Pulaski High School. Their accommodations provided for the IEP yesterday made me wake up much earlier than I wanted. For ANY appointment. I cannot express so agitated I was, having to basically force my way out of bed. Alas, it was …. Interesting.

For those that are unaware – IEP stands for Individualized Education Program. Typically the kids that will have this in force are the learning disabled or other emotional and/or cognitive disruption in learning. They are scheduled for students once a year to establish goals to work on with the student. It allows parents and other directly involved in care individuals to be informed. And of course stay within state and federal mandates.

I guess I get frustrated with Ashleigh’s team sometimes. She took a test to measure her skill levels in math, reading, and reading comprehension. Her reading was at a 4th grade level. That included her comprehension. Her math skill was at a 5th grade level. Yet, she is on track to graduate in June of 2014. I know you can’t keep a kid forever, and I battle with the why’s and what it’s for the here and now and the future. Jobs? Living arrangements? Willingness to receive supportive services, the governments ability to fund programs that assist kids and adults like Ashleigh… Or struggling with other disabling issues, and is social security going to continue her benefits as an adult? Who files for it? When do more adult preparation skills come into play? Who is going to be patient enough to employ her or even maintain healthy friendships with? The list could go on and on. In this meeting, I have to admit. I was awe struck. Some of the future goals that Ashleigh had communicated wanting were, well…good. Hell, even great! For me, it left me feel like someone slapped me on the face. Her teachers for special ed and gym, vice principal, guidance counselor, Eric and I, foster mom, and foster care agency representative were all there. The meeting was very positive, in that she is doing very well. In comparison to where she started out last school year, remarkable progress. She makes eye contact with people and engages in conversations or general pleasantries. She accepts and has grown accustomed to the type of curriculum the school and teachers have in place for her. She has a paying job experience at Pulaski High School doing janitorial type duties in the cafeteria. Plus, once a week works in the cafe. Handles money, deals with orders, customers, and sometimes delivery. The cafe is not paid, but it is still learning nonetheless.
Her time to redirect from intense conflicts and management of her anger has turned around from being angry and disruptive for 2 hours to 10-15 minutes. If she does leave the classroom without consent, she still goes to the office or guidance to talk. She talks about things in a peer group that are uncomfortable. And although she isn’t a leader directly, her willingness to comply with directions from her teachers allows her to lead by example.

So why? Why a slap on the face? What about that is such an issue?

Those strides happened while not living with me, her biological mother. I helped move events forward to come to this point, but it’s not quite the gratification I am looking for. I have always wanted to celebrate her accomplishments because I helped her more directly. I was not directly involved per se. Ashleigh has not lived with me. Visitations and overnights for the weekends are different. When I have to pull out of the driveway and watch her walk into someone else’s home – to stay. Well, it is devastating. It makes me feel as though my place in her life is minimal at best.

I know Ashleigh loves me. I know she has learned very valuable things being in our apartment. She can scream for as long as she wants in Terrie’s home. 3 stories and a basement. Plus a huge garage, 4 Harley Davidson’s, one racing motorcycle, a mechanic style garage with smell and damn near every tool a professional would need. On top of that, a soundproof music studio with all the required instruments to make a band. I know belongings do not necessarily define a parent. In my heart of hearts, I know. My mind reminds me about how incompetent I must be in comparison. Professionally and personally.

So, what’s with the date?

Ashleigh was first placed into the foster home one year ago as of November 14th, 2012. She has expressed interest in, some day working with the foster care agency she was placed through, social work, or counselor. Before it was tattoo artist or hairdresser. Not to say there is anything wrong with those professions. There isn’t. Ashleigh never would have considered those vocations had she not been placed in foster care.

I know in my heart of hearts that motherhood is many things. There is no one definition of what mothers do. I have had to go through so many emotions that I can’t even explain. Motherhood, in my experience – in this one area involves sacrifice. I have sacrificed my own feeling to responsibility for Ashleigh by entrusting her well being to … strangers. I have had to talk and text to foster mom – and be pleasant. I have had to be extremely humble and hurt by all I have had to give up. It may be the best thing, and I may know that my sacrifice enabled the positive changes. My sacrifices gave her another chance. But in my mind….

It’s another chance to make me feel completely out of control, uninformed, vulnerable, guilty, and depressed. Despite what my heart says…. My mind tells me that I am a part time mom. I just gave up, and someone took my place. Took the ability to consistently see Ashleigh’s positivity show through.

It should have been me.
It should have been..
But it wasn’t…

I guess for now I will go to bed. My brain feels ready to relax.

I know I have done everything in my power to assure her success. I just don’t like all the sacrifices it has taken to get here. Because I am mom, not her. I have spent damn near every day of her life with her. I just wish….
I wish….
Forget it. I just want to sleep now.

You Just Never Know

Eric and I tried really hard to make Sunday work.  We were planning on taking Ashleigh to Bay Beach Amusement Park in Green Bay, but due to unforseen circumstances it didn’t pan out.  We ended up instead going to see the new movie “Paranorman” at the Marcus Cinema in Ashwaubenon.  After the movie, we went home so Ashleigh could spend time with our dog, Calla.  Ashleigh chose to spend her time at our apartment cutting part of the spiral off the notebook she has and sticking it through her nose to pierce it.  And also using the nose ring she had to pierce her lip.  On the way back to Shelter Care, things seemed relatively peaceful.  There was no arguing or yelling.  It was calm.  In hindsight, I wonder if it’s like a tornado or hurricane.  Where there’s this temporary peace before the complete destruction is unleashed.

It was pretty late, when I got the phone call. It was Shelter Care, notifying me that Ashleigh was taken to the hospital after trying to hang herself with her scarf.  They didn’t really understand why she did it.  Just that she tried.  And before they could take her to the Crisis Center they had to take her to the hospital to make sure she was alright physically to pursue further treatment.  Fortunately she was fine physically and from there, went to Crisis Center and then was placed back in the psych unit as an EM1.  When I called to talk to the Crisis Center, they reported to me that Ashleigh felt suicidal after our visit.  She indicated to me that she didn’t specify what part or why, just that it happened after our visit.

As you could imagine, hearing that left so much for me to think about.  What exactly was the situation?  Why did she suddenly feel that way after we dropped her off?  The only thing I could think of that I could figure that got her upset was that we wouldn’t buy her tongue rings or the chocolate chip frapaccino at McDonalds.  But either way, no matter which way the thought processes went, I still felt guilty.  And the puzzling thing was I have no idea what I’d feel guilty for.

As I figured, I’d get phone calls this morning inquiring about what happened.   The most important being the social workers.  Hearing what’s going to happen next.  Ashleigh will have mental health court tomorrow to pursue a mental health commitment.  That by no means involves her going to an inpatient facility beyond where she is now.  It just means that she’s being held on a commitment through Brown County Health and Human Services – whom she is currently working with.  I’m thinking that she’ll also go back on the 90 day hold as she had been in the past.  And from what I’m told, there is another hearing on the 30th of August.  This one, from what I understand has two physicians write up a report about her mental health status and recommendations moving forward.  So, according to the social workers, Ashleigh will be in the psych unit until August 30th.

Of course, to make sure everything is set, I made my phone calls to cancel appointments Ashleigh may have from this point forward until the 30th.  And leave everything open from the 30th, forward.  There’s no point in making any definite determinations when I have no guarentees past the 30th.  That part I took care of first and foremost.  Darrian is in Manitowoc with friends of the family until tonight, so she’s taken care of for now.  And then it’s just Eric and I until Darrian comes back.  And for the moment, Eric isn’t in the room with me so it’s all on me and where my brain decides to reroute the thought process.

For now, I feel calm.  Probably more calm than I’ve felt in a while.  I still have that unsettling feeling about the uncertainties and moving forward. How long will she be gone?  When do we have to resume life as “normal”. What’s next for Ashleigh?  And every once in a while, the nagging feeling like something we said or did pushed her over the edge.  Although I still can’t figure out what.  To some degree, I’d like to talk to her to find out what it was that happened.  But, like the social workers said, people that are mentally ill are prone to blame other people for their actions and reactions.  It’s nothing personal, really.  It’s just the nature of the beast.  I also know and have said before that Ashleigh operates in a different reality than my own.  So it’s very possibly that it’s entirely true.  But again, the uncertainty and the unknown plague me.

Up to this point, Ashleigh has pretty much dictated how she wants things to go.  What I see ahead is that she’s not going to be happy with the consequences of her actions.  And yes, more blaming will follow.  I’m not sure how much the staff at the psych unit have told her about her upcoming stay.  I’m guessing they haven’t, since she’s still anticipating going to registration for high school on the 22nd or 23rd.  And I’m not sure how she’ll react when she does hear about it.  And on top of that, we still have the CST meeting – that sounds like it’s going to be moved to be held at the psych unit, to continue Ashleigh’s involvement.  At that time we’ll be discussing the possibility of foster care.  And as I discussed with the social workers over the phone, if Ashleigh wants it to happen it’s one thing.  But to have it initiated by someone other than her – that’s an entirely different thing.  As much as we’re going to try to let Ashleigh come out with this as something she wants to pursue – if it doesn’t come out like that, Ashleigh could potentially threaten to hurt herself again.

As I typed that part about threatening to hurt herself again, it touched a nerve with me.  What I type sometimes to a certain degree seems to be like I’m in auto pilot.  I know I have to do it to get it done, but then something hits me. Raw emotion.  Over the years, Ashleigh’s attempts to want to harm herself has been very attention seeking.  There have been few times where we’ve actually been on a state of alarm.  I find myself wondering if something could drive her over the edge.  Something that has yet to be said.  And something that most likely will inadvertently hurt her.  I can’t help but know for myself that I’ve tried everything that I could to be a good mother.  I’ve tried to involve everyone that I need to in her care.  And although I was sloppy at it for a while – my involvement has gotten so much greater since this last February.  Tough love is obviously what it sounds like.  Tough.  And it’s not just tough for the person being parented, it’s also the one doing the parenting.  And in every stance I take, there is a very defining purpose for why it is that these strategies have been put into place.  I can only imagine that the next 1 1/2 years will be trying, depending on how she’s able to handle herself moving forward.  And if she’s willing to concede that she is a very real part of the problem.  I just hope that she doesn’t end her life before she acknowledges that part.

I would love to see the person she could potentially be, with her stubbornness and feisty attitude if put in the right direction.  She could change her life entirely.  And right now, there is not a one person that can say whether or not that will be the case.  Everyone’s hoping for it that is watching Ashleigh.  Sometimes, you just never know.