Meant To Be

I signed up for insurance today for Eric and I. Over $300 per pay check.

I have one income. And I’m feeling quite overwhelmed. I’m glad we’ll both have insurance next month, but I can’t afford this. Eric is saying he’ll go on the nicotine patch, but out of necessity and not because he’s ready. So as much as I want to praise him, I doubt it’ll stick.

I feel like the odds are stacked against me. I bought a house that I can’t afford to fix, I’m behind on my credit card payments by two months. I’m working as much as I can and the last few hours, I’ve been fighting off anxiety attacks.

Eric is a recovering alcoholic who has kidneys that are not reliable. Medical science had him absorbing more meds than his kidneys could handle, so he almost died. I’ve lived with him going from one emotion to another and feeling just like my father. Having to suppress his emotions to get through another shitty ass day.

The difference between my father and I is that I’m not living within my means. Although my job is above minimum wage, I’m still paying for Eric to smoke, once a week a coffee from our local coffee shop, groceries and gas. We also pay for cell phones and high speed internet access, electricity, water, and sewer. I don’t live so high on the hog that I spend so insanely much on shopping. I thrift what I can or go to discount stores. Piggly wiggly is getting far too expensive- despite being the inky grocery store in town. So I may have to shop in Green Bay after work. I also signed up for a pantry thing in and around our local area. I spend $20 and get two laundry baskets of food. There is no income requirement, so that’s good. I don’t need to prove I’m impoverished and I’ve paid in advance.

I called my friend Shannon up last night and cried. And I don’t have many connections in this community. Ones that I can really call my own. But again, I don’t trust people. Isn’t that something I have to get over??

After losing all I have, living in poverty, Ashleigh, Eric’s lot of mental/medical maladies… I’m completely overwhelmed and I can’t make the money to make everything sort out. So…

Society would call me a loser. I deserve my lot in life. If I just tried harder. If I just went to school or pulled myself up by my bootstraps. If I just…. I’ve been off food stamps for over 2 years and lost Medicaid when my youngest daughter died. It left me out in the cold. And because I tried to plan for retirement while I worked at an old employer, the only thing keeping Medicaid for me was Darrian being alive. I’m over that for the most part. The thing that bothers me is that welfare was obviously never intended to help make a person independently wealthy. But as soon as you have two pennies to rub together, yank!! Benefits gone. There is no gradual work your way off it. And when you don’t learn money management… You’re just thrown into the world without much of a safety net, life is so much harder.

But don’t worry about income insecurity. People don’t really need to live despite you needing a Wal-Mart checker or a gas station attendant. It’s all their fault and mine for not achieving. And you get what you put into in life.

Fuck you, capitalism!!!

Blessed with a Mess

I wake up at 4:10 am. Like any human being, my first thought is; “COFFEE!”
Last night, my husband and I took a walk with our dogs. It felt wonderful. Beyond wonderful, actually. He’s hardly someone who can walk distances anymore, despite only being 39 years old.
But, I love him. I love him more than words can say. His obsession with the cartoon figure, Toothless is adorable and simple. And simple is hardly a word I’d use to desertdescribe him on any average day.
Have you loved someone with chronic pain? How have you dealt with it? Did doctors actually help you or your loved one? How long did it take? Did you have barriers to achieve your diagnosis? I know Eric has. Being diagnosed with scoliosis and having no insurance has been atrocious. Though his migraines aren’t as much of an issue as they once were, the back pain seems to take priority most days.
I’m quite certain Eric’s body is so very contrary. I’ve never quite met someone with so many drug allergies. Or the ability to metabolize large doses of medications so quickly that it runs through like a glass of water. Nsaids? No… Ugh!

But I’m now eligible for insurance through my employer. Coverage will start December of this year for Eric and I. It’ll cost an arm, not the arm and the leg. Just the arm. But I hope it’ll be worth it.
My mind hopes and prays that this will be the answer to Eric’s pain. Someone will be able to treat him as he needs and I’ll get my husband back. I miss him, most days. And sometimes being home is more depressing than its worth. I just have to hold out hope.

I’m thankful that I have a good job and options to grow in the hotel. I’m hoping I’ll get a bad ass raise come May. Fingers crossed.

Life is Impossibly Hard, Sometimes

Sometimes, I can’t believe this is my life. Sometimes I feel like I have the most rotten luck. No one told me days could be like this. And then I remember how hard things could be.

I’m not a complete success story. I still feel like there is room for improvement. Room for growth. I’m just not sure how to get there.

My husband exhausts me sometimes. I know his condition cannot be helped. He certainly didn’t ask for it to be this way. His depression and pain is overwhelming. I stumble to get passed each hour sometimes with a smile on my face. Or a desire to be optimistic. I’m eligible now for employer offered medical/dental/vision….etc. I have to sign up before the 24th of this month to get it started in December.

I want my life to be better than this. But I’m not going to see much better until Eric can get better. I love him and cannot fathom going or doing anything without him in my life.

I will add more, later. I have a coffee date with a neighbor.